@@ A leTtER to PaPa @@


Dear Papa,

1st of all, I would like to wish you a happy fathers’ day and of course, I can see that you are very happy today even though didi didn’t attend the celebration. I can see that you are contented to see gege present and of course, your precious daughter me along with my boyfriend who you have grown to accept after 4 years. Lastly, not forgetting mummy who dressed up so nicely that I thought it’s mothers’ day that we are celebrating.

It’s the 1st time in 7 years since you left us on that fateful year that we celebrate father’s day together. In fact, in my limited memory of you celebrating occasions with us, I think it’s the 1st time that we are treating you to a meal for this special occasion. It’s kinda sad to have this record.

Nevertheless, I guess we all have taken the 1st step out and it’s already a good thing. 7 years had past, though pain had been subside, but the memories that you left this household still haunt me every now and then. Every one in the house is badly hit. Mummy seems to be very strong, but I know deep down she’s really very hurt. Gege seems to be unconcerned, but I know he’s upset for that he always don’t wish to talk about you and also leading him to turn to Christianity. Didi is also affected as he seems to be a disturbed child after witnessing you and that woman together in her house and thus he seems to be a bit on the rebellious side while growing up. Me? Needless to say, I was sad and not to mention angry at the same time for making life difficult for me.

Its reminds me of how I have to be strong when you 1st left as you were the ever doting father who gives in to my every other requests, shield me from scolding and beatings from mummy. You use to give me extra money every morning when we went downstairs for breakfast, piggyback me from the stupid long link way to our no lift 4th storey home when I was too lazy and tired to walk home after night outings.

I still remember that you use to scold gege and didi for bullying me no matter I was at fault or not. You will always and will only take me down for supper when you came back from work late at night. And thus earning me the nickname of being the apple of your eyes (Zhang Shang Ming Zhu) in the neighbourhood. You will always hold on to my hands when we all go out and will take extra care of me while mummy look out for gege and didi.

Seeing my results every time, you never fail to compliment me and giving me rewards. Still remember that when I scored A* for my Chinese in PSLE, you gave me 50bucks? I know you are always proud of me to be the most studious of my siblings, and in fact pinning more hope on me from young. I know when I slacked and played around with my grades while in secondary school really pain you, but at that time, I only want you to know how it feels to be disappointed by someone that you have always pin hope on. Just like what our family hope that you will be a great and responsible dad and the disappointment when you choose to leave us that year.

Following my entry into polytechnic and with better grades each time, I know that you are once again contented and relieve that I’ve finally matured. I know you had always wanted and hope that I can further my studies and continue to study in university. And when I failed to get accepted, you did encourage me not to give up. Going for part time studies was not I wished and because of so many factors, I guess its not up to me to say wish or not unless I don’t want to continue studying. You were nevertheless proud of me to be able to get in and were looking forward to the day that I graduate even though it’s a 5 long years away.

Mummy once told me that she was worried that you would not liked me as you were a traditional man and came from a family who favours guys more than girls. But then from the look on your face when I was born, according to mummy, you were in fact more happy than the day you saw gege. Call it father and daughter bonding, but from young, it seems that I was more attached to you than I was to mummy.

When were 1st found out about that woman, I was hoping, hoping that you will leave her and come back to our home to be a good father to us and a good husband to mummy. Little did I know that you will eventually choose to take another route. I always thought that you valued our family as much as we do. I didn’t know what’s wrong with our family that makes you wanna leave us.

Still, I have to thank you for bringing me to this beautiful country in this beautiful world. For making me a better and stronger person because of what you did to us. For making me to become more independent and the ability to survive under harsh circumstances. For making me cherish my family more and not take things for granted. For every thing else, I don’t know what I can should thank you already.

But do not think that you make a right choice for I’m still cannot understand why you will leave us and deprive me of the happy and innocent childhood days I should have. The princess that I was suppose to be which later was forced to go back to face the reality when you left our home. The countless night that I was thinking of a lot of what if and the low self esteem to be in this kind of family was something that you will never understand.

Till now, for all the things I’ve done, there’s always a little thought behind my mind that I must prove that children coming from broken family are not meant to be losers all their lives. We can live our life as per normal and there’s nothing wrong from coming from these kind of family for it’s not within our means to choose where we come from.

Still in my fantasies, I still hope that 1 day, you will be reunite with our family and every thing will be back to normal for these few years, it’s really hard on mummy to take up the burden of this family. I know that this day may or may not come. But should it really comes, I’ll be grateful, grateful that my prayers had finally been answered and we will be a happy family again, just like every others out in the world.

Wishing you good health Papa.

Love,
Ah Girl.