## cOnfUseD ##

Dunno izzit becuz of I have too much free time on my hand recently and I start to think/ reflect about a lot a lot of things. Things that seems important to me suddenly seems to be unimportant. Things that were insignificant to me suddenly seems to means a lot.

At one point of my life, I seems to be very certain that I would want to finish my degree no matter how hard it is. Though couldn’t get into full time in my 1st try, nevertheless, I took the chance when I got accepted in to part time. Was a big decision in my life as money is a big issue. Told myself that I have to go thru it no matter what, told myself I have to stay thru the whole course.

Although I did flunk in my 1st attempt but I was very determine back then to continue on with my studies and prove to myself that I can do it. But why this time although I passed all and I didn’t feel the urge there to outdo myself again? One’s only enemy is only urself. Only by outdoing yourself every time den you can reach the next higher level and perform better.

I am very confuse now, confuse at whether my choice back then to study this was a right 1, confuse about what I want in life, confuse about the significant of this degree, confuse about whether I am just blindly pursuing in just a piece of paper. I was never a person who cares about what others say as long as I am happy and I think I am in the right. I was strong willed and stubborn person as far as I am concern. But why, this time, even I myself are having doubts about my own decision?

I always remembered what my ex boss Kang said to me. Dun care about what others say or think, if you think this is the best for yourself and you are right about it, just go for it. It’s for your own benefits. Just treat those harsh words as jealously, just treat those words as those who do not want to see you succeed.

He told this to me when I told him about my difficulties in coping with my studies in my 1st sem. So whenever I felt unhappy or uncertain, I would replay his words. For to me, this is the best piece of advice anyone had ever gave me. He is the 1st person to be so supportive of me studying.

But this time round, I am really scared. Can I really continue on? Can I perform better than last time? Can I hold on to my goal? Will I be able to reach it? It’s 4 more years down the road. Frankly speaking, no one can predict what will happen. I cannot promise myself anything.

I am really tired to be frank. The only thing that kept me going is my pride, my determination, my dreams. I am really afraid that one fine day when all these cannot even make me go on den what am I going to do? I dun want to admit defeat, I want to hold on. But the problem is now, how long can I hold on? I wish my fighting spirit can be with me for these 4 more years. At the very least let me finish my degree 1st…

Someone, just anyone, please enlighten me. The others? Pray and wish me all the best will ya?