&& my 1st cRusH &&

Was reading my best friend’s blog just down and he wrote something bout crush, like and love. Suddenly it jolted my memory of my 1st crush. It feels a bit weird to be writing here but then I think no harm also la since it happens such a long time ago.

I 1st experienced what a crush is about when I was 14 years old. I was in secondary two that year and had just being made a full pledged prefect. You see, my school requires all prefects to undergo training for a year before being made full pledge prefects. Anyway, that’s beside the point. This guy that I had a crush on is my senior in the prefectorial board.

He was two years my senior and at that time was already in his final year of studies in our school. I didn’t really took much notice of him at first. I only knew that he was going out with one of my peers and was always with a group of my seniors who spoke English most of time and thus I didn’t spoke to them much.

One fine day, after my class, I went to the prefect’s room as usual. Digress a bit, at that time, it was a trend to stay back after school everyday. A group of us will stay back together and eat and chat before going home. This day, I saw this senior E was sitting on a chair in the room staring into the space. At 1st, I tot that he was waiting of my peer to but then on 2nd thoughts, I remembered that she had already left as her class was just beside mine.

Anyway, he was holding a letter in his hand and was like in a daze. Out of curiousity, I asked him what’s wrong and he answered that my friend had just broken up with him. At that point of time, I tot I saw tears in his eyes. I just stood there, totally have no idea what to do or say. In the end, I just ran out of the room and went to search for my fwens to ask them for advices.

My friends aso didn’t know what to do aso as everyone was young and inexperience bout this kind of things. In any case, we decided that we couldn’t leave him alone there and therefore I was tasked to go invite him to join us for lunch. He agreed and then went along with us. It was quite funny as he was the only senior there and the rest of us were from the same level. We didn’t dare to talk to him much along the way in fear that would make him sadder and was quiet along walk.

Once we reached the hawker centre, everyone scrambled off to order our food and started to tuck into the delicious food as soon as it came. It took a while more before one of us finally muster the courage to ask him whether he wanna talk about what had happen. He actually talked to us and after listening to him, my heart went all out to him. It was a case of a love story went wrong. We also didn’t know what had actually happen as we only listened to his side of story. But then we decided to keep him accompany as he was really feeling very down.

From then on, he was included in our activities. He was a nice guy, too nice for his own good sometimes. We became good friends very fast maybe because he was a nice person to chat with. Endless topics, and sometimes a bit gossip. I guess I also dunno when I developed feelings for him.

I only find it nice and comfortable when chatting with him. When we talked on phone, we have so much to talk that we would chat everyday. Perhaps I was young at that time and didn’t have experience in relationship, so as our friendship blossom, my feelings also developed.

He was a good senior, took care and looked out of us a lot. As he was our senior, he taught us a lot of things also and offered us advices when we ran into problems. I still remembered he was the one who went to warned one the guys who was always giving me trouble to stay away from me. I was very touched for I didn’t asked him for help and did it out of his own accord. Out of so many of my seniors, he was the only one who did that.

I was brought up in a strict environment and my mum forbids us to get into any relationship before we graduate from secondary school, so at that time, I didn’t dare to hope that we can go into a relationship but only hope that things can remain the same. I would be contented this way, really.

I guess things dun always go as we wished. Things wun remain the same for long. Our surrounding will change, things will change, feelings will change and most importantly, people will change.

The day that I knew everything will change and will never be the same is the day when he confides in me that he had fallen for my friend. I didn’t see it coming, I didn’t expect him to tell me this. When I heard what he said, it’s the 1st time in my life that I knew what it is to call heartache. I felt s pain in my heart and it’s a feeling that I had never experience before and I really don’t know what to do.

I tried to stay calm and in fact offered to help me to woo my friend. Stupid action huh? But what can I do besides this? I dun have the courage to tell him that I also liked him, I knew that he would not fall for me as he only treats me like a younger sister if not brother to him. I knew that it was impossible for us to continue even though I liked him a lot.

But what the use of knowing all these? It didn’t change the fact that I liked him and didn’t stop my heart from paining. I guess I was jealous also, jealous that my friend got his attention, got his concern and his love. But I knew that this kind of things cannot be forced. I did the only thing that I can do, that is to back out. I tried very hard to control my liking for him and make sure that I dun show it out to anyone. I told myself that all it matters that he’s happy with the person he like.

But after all, I was not a saint, there will be times that I feel so miserable that I couldn’t even bear to see them together. I didn’t want to be reminded of what I have lost. I have a nagging feeling that my friend was with him because of his position in the prefectorial board, because of his monetary status. But who am I to doubt her? If he trusted her, I think I am in no position to doubt her also.

I naively thought that our friendship can remain the same but I was proven wrong in no time. My friend, who was his girlfriend, become angry that we still remain the close and I guess (cuz I couldn’t confirm) that she had wanted him to keep his distant from me. And he did. I was very angry at that time because I couldn’t understand why she couldn’t be more magnanimous. But after all these years I guess I can gradually understand why she did that le.

But the fact he did avoid me really makes me very upset at that time. I was angry also that the friendship I tot we always have was so insignificant to him. Perhaps what he did was rite as he only wants to make his girlfriend feel better and secure but then to sacrifice this friendship was too much for me to bear. Especially I was having a crush on him.

I think from then we gradually stop talking to each other unless necessary, I was very sad at that time but I didn’t dare to show it out or confide in anyone. I guess it was pretty much on my part that I wanted to keep this little secret of mine buried deep down in my heart.

Years past, and I didn’t really got over him throughout my secondary school days as being in school keep reminding me of him and sometimes I will get to see him during school functions. My friend broke off with him when he graduated and he was very upset also. I did called him to console him but the feeling was not the same anymore. It seems that we have some wall in between us. The friendship, the bond we have was gone. The feeling was not the same anymore. It feels that like he was guarding against me and I dunno why. I was very upset at that point.

It was at that point I knew that there was no turning back, we cannot be the friends we used to be. It was pointless to hold on to something that have already changed. The only thing that didn’t change was my feelings. But after all, it was only my wishful thinking. The 1st time I had a crush on someone just ended like that.